Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You are a genius and a whore.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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