I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
