i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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