Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
