Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
