yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
