I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
barbara walters just said penis...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
