im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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