Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
