I wish my penis had an off switch
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
