My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
