Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
