how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
