either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
