i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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