She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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