There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
