So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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