you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
