seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
