My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize