My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
