So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize