just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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