Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
pray to the hookup gods
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
