nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
