how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
