this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
