So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
