Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
