Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
