there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I touched a dick in church today
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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