Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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