if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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