Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Houston, we have a blender
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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