There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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