Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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