Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
