So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
