Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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