508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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