wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
