your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize