You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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