I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sober January is a disaster.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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