So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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