just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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