If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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