This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
