I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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