Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
