I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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