TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
