He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
