Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
