i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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