Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
