I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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