Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
