Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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